The Funny Pages
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES:
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town,
you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any
time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick
will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of
any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking
for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if
you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive
any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself
off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the
language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an
imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be
the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower
can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while
taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries
to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with
any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have
light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house,
women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon
and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and
children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost
always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his
star detective - or give
him 48 hours to finish the job.
single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of our
visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly
straight road it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously
from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with
electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when
they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside
the building you are
A detective can only solve a case once
he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in
the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are
heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will
wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person
is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a
concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking,
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
You can always find a chainsaw when you need
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a
dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects
personally at that precise moment.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card
tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you
make a mistake.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is
required on it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with
the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is
usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you've never tried before.
Don't sweat petty things... or
pet sweaty things.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If at first
you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand
the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding
furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
All those who
believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used
once, never opened, small stain.
EVERY MORNING IS THE DAWN OF A NEW ERROR . . . .
find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and
Press Any Key
3. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they
4. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN.
6. Best file
compression around: "DEL*.*" = 100% compression.
7. The definition of an
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
8. BREAKFAST.COM Halted ...
Cereal Port Not Responding.
9. The name is Baud. . . . James Baud.
Buffers=20 FILES =15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
11. ACCESS DENIED
-- NAH NAH NAH NA NAH!
12. C:/Bad command or file name! Go stand in the
13. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay!! Staay!!!
doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"??
15. As a computer, I
find your faith in technology amusing.
16. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon?
17. Backups? We don't need no steenking backups.
18. . . . .
File not found. Should I fake it? Y/N
19. Ethernet (n) : Something to catch
20. A mainframe: The biggest PC periphereal available.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)
22. Does fuzzy logic
23. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
25. Windows: Just another
pane in the glass.
26. SENILE.COM found . . . Out of memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
28. Ultimate office
automation: networked coffee.
29. RAM disk is *not* an installation
30. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate
31. Smash head on keyboard to continue . . .
32. ASCII stupid
question, get a stupid ANSI!
33. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops
34. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates 1981
Press any key . . . no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
36. Read my chips: No new
37. Hit any user to continue.
38. 2400 Baud makes you want to
get out and push!
39. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in