The Funny Pages

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES:

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing  St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the  armpit  level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can        travel  to  any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,  even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the  mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be  necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but  will  wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it  before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill  - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the  exact   fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere  in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,  you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange  noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:  Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every  morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat  it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give
him  48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK
Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object  out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost  this   technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending  phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to
turn  the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from  duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into  will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication  systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving  martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one  by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out  their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will  never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption  or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure  they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each  other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds  -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped  inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment.

---

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

EVERY MORNING IS THE DAWN OF A NEW ERROR . . . .

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
4. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
5. C:/DOS   C:/DOS/RUN   RUN/DOS/RUN.
6. Best file compression around: "DEL*.*" = 100% compression.
7. The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
8. BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding.
9. The name is Baud. . . . James Baud.
10. Buffers=20 FILES =15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
11. ACCESS DENIED -- NAH NAH NAH NA NAH!
12. C:/Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
13. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay!! Staay!!!
14. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"??
15. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
16. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
17. Backups? We don't need no steenking backups.
18. . . . . File not found. Should I fake it? Y/N
19. Ethernet (n) : Something to catch the etherbunny.
20. A mainframe: The biggest PC periphereal available.
21. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)
22. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
23. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
24. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
25. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
26. SENILE.COM found . . . Out of memory . . .
27. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
28. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
29. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
30. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
31. Smash head on keyboard to continue . . .
32. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
33. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
34. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates 1981
35. Press any key . . . no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
36. Read my chips: No new upgrades!
37. Hit any user to continue.
38. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
39. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!